Diary of a mad divorcee.

So I haven't written like I meant to. This was supposed to be like a blog of my life and I guess my life got a little more complicated than what I was willing to share. Truth be told I've been embarrassed of just how complicated it's become. I didn't want anyone to know and I didn't want to talk to anyone about it nor allow them to understand fully just how I felt about it but here goes: I'm getting divorced. There it is, to some it may mean very little, like to my soon to be ex husband, but to others it's like an entire life gone wrong. From the first day you get married you change how you see the world, you think of him before yourself and you do all that you can to make him happy and for awhile that's your entire existence. Of course, soon you settle into marriage, or most do, I didn't. I didn't have time I suppose when you think about it. He's military and so he left basically right away and instead of settling into marriage I settled into being alone. Which I feel I became pretty good at, considering. I got everything done that needed doing and I did it all alone. However, then independence became a big part of my life and as other things set in, I.E. my bipolar it became hard for me to regain my ability to be with someone. I did, however, regain my ability slowly but surely and yet not fast enough for him. I gave him 3 years of my life, nothing but trying to make - him - happy and for 9 months all he had to do was return the favor and apparently that was too much for him. To say I'm angry would be an understatement. Truth be told, I'm furious! I spend half my time loving and missing him and the other half wanting to hit him, repeatedly, with something large and heavy. I can't stand being without him and yet I want nothing more than to never see him again. It's confusing and disorienting  I suppose some of you may ask; why blog about something so personal, well to be honest I can't talk to anyone close to me. It's not that they aren't good listeners, I have some great friends who would be happy to listen but for some reason I've developed this pride that won't allow me to appear weak in any way, but in fact, the ability NOT to haul off and beat him I believe speaks volumes of my strength. Of course people may read this, even - he - might read it and perhaps they will call it a cry for help or the need for attention. Quite the opposite actually, if I wanted your attention this blog would likely sound a lot different and I likely wouldn't waste my time writing it. I don't need attention unfortunately considering my situation I've got more attention than I want but alas I am a writer and this is what I do. I write, I release, and this is the best way I know how. To be entering the sanctity of marriage is much like writing a contract. One that says Till Death and signed at the bottom under the assumption that no matter what you will have the ONE person in your life for Sicker, Poorer and as long as you both shall live. That's a binding legal contract that should NEVER be taken lightly because under god you just promised forever to someone and that's a promise that should NEVER be broken and yet here I am. Not breaking it but having it broken. It's a feeling I would never wish on even my worst enemy, well maybe them but you know what I mean. I understand wanting to break contract if the guy your with isn't holding up his end but I was holding up my end, to the best of my ability it's when the other person quits without even trying, that's when it hurts. That's when you ask yourself what you've done so wrong that you deserve the one promise that was never meant to be broken to instead be shattered and tossed in your face like it never meant anything and let me tell you something IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! I spend the better half of my time blaming myself, asking myself where I went wrong and if I could have done better but the truth is I couldn't have done anything different. I'm not perfect, I don't pretend to be but I played the hell out of the hand I was dealt and I took better care of him than a lot of women would have considering the situation and HE GAVE UP. I'm sad, I'm angry and sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs but what I'm not, is to blame. I refuse to be made the martyr in this stupid game, I refuse to be made to feel like I was a bad wife, when I wasn't and I certainly refuse to let him off without knowing how truly hurt I am that he doesn't have the common decency to keep at least ONE of his promises to me. This isn't the right thing to do, this isn't even the best thing to do. Certain contracts shouldn't be broken and divorce shouldn't exist because it makes it easy for cowards like him to do whatever they want and get away with it when in the older days he could be whipped or worse for even considering divorce. Think about that the next time you're off dancing with some scantily clad wench in the club or spending what was our money at some dirty sex lounge. Society has made it too easy for you to quit, but just because it's easy, doesn't mean you should.